Ya no me afferó

Perdona si te causo dolor
Perdona si te digo adios.

Tu bien sabes
Que no fue mi culpa
Tu te fuiste sin decirme nada
Y a pesar que llore como nunca

Sigo siendo honesto contigo.

Siempre

Pendejo

It’s not like it’s never happened before, but I still had hope that we would last. I yearned for hugs and kisses, for affection that I had long been missing. I didn’t know how to react because I hoped for a a resolution. Stupid me for thinking I could find love so easily.  If it’s not there, then it’s just not there. I will not knock on anyones door anymore, I will drink to drown this loneliness. I remain silent, and without an ability to speak out words.  It’s noticeable when people start talking about me. They question if I speak, if perhaps I’ve gone mute. I’m no longer stimulated by people, I’ve completey shut down, one of these days when my heart rekindles I will find another you, and forget the wonderful memories I have from you.

Tequila & My Broken Heart

I should be grateful, well I am grateful. I miss you and thats all there is to it. I’m grateful that I got to meet you and I’m grateful that you let me into you life. I cherished every second of it. I never look back regret, because you we’re NEVER a regret. You are an amazing person. I like you still, and I want you to know that, even if you don’t like me. Behind this selfish pride of mine, you will see a person who drinks, drinks to drown the pain. I love memories but sometimes you need extra help from liquor to drown it. It hurt me that you excluded me from films I wanted to see, that you made plans without me, but I don’t hold that against you because I know the distance made it impossible to be at every showtime. Still….I miss you. I think of you every now and then, but I preoccupy myself with other things, poignant things like photography and art. When I first met you….god I felt like I was missing out on life. I felt you deep in me…like I was missing a piece of the puzzle to my life. You were so sweet and tender, you kisses made me melt, and I can tell you that no one else had or yet has come close to yours. I miss you, like crazy.  I miss you…I miss you. These tears I cry every now and then will vanish soon. I hope they do. I can’t keep living life on Tequila and old memories. You must think I’m pathetic, so be it, if you in case you do. I miss you, god how I miss your calls. Sometimes it gets so bad that I get impulses of calling you and telling you how much I miss you, but then I stop and think that you probably already moved on. Moved on….and that you don’t miss me, like I miss you. It’s okay, because time will heal this pain…still I miss you…you…you.  I miss you my baby cancer.

I’m Doing Great

Life has been splendid to me lately. I’ve met new people who are amazing, I’m very grateful. I been going to the club a lot lately, been ogled at and eye raped, and danced with random people. Who would of thought, I would ever do that? Desperate times call for desperate measures. I don’t care anymore, I’m not trying anymore or giving my all to anyone. It’s all redundant anyways. I have the baddest luck with relationships.  People always lie and don’t tell me the truth. I’m sensitive, but I can handle truths. I expect you to be real with me, because I’m always real with you. I still debating whether or not to go to summer classes, or if I should just take a road trip to Austin or San Antonio.  I guess there will be more time for that. I also have business trip to Mexico in July. I really don’t wanna go, but I have to sign some property documents.  I’m also working on the series, “Although the Sun Is Gone, I have A Light”, it’s going great. Looking forward to it’s completion and sharing it with the world.

Peace.

We like burning Peter

Today was interesting….actually yesterday and today were as interesting as drama can get. An ex called me yesterday saying he wanted a second chance. I said no because I didn’t feel the relationship was based on anything but sex. How superficial does that sound? Well besides that I always got ignored and he seemed to be very blunt and direct with me. He told me that he was a changed person and that he deserved a second chance. Shit…I deserve a second chance, we all do. Life, however,  isn’t structured that way.  There seems to be this notion of false hope in the air when people want a second chance to do better. In hopes of what? This morning my most recent ex boyfriends’ friend called me. Thats right, out of the blue. Mind you knowing that today was supposed to be our 4th month anniversary had we still been together. So all this time I’m wondering if it’s really the friend or if it’s my ex trying to pump information out of me. I dunno what the hell is been going on, but things don’t seem to be making any sense. He obviously didn’t want to be with me, so if he is trying to get info on me, why would he care?

I look forward to a better week.

Another Day

Well It’s a new week, I feel okay. Finals are this week, wish me luck, and the weekend seems promising. I have been pondering the situation, and it’s definitely lowered my self esteem.  O’ well,  what doesn’t kill me, only makes me stronger. I love this quote from Frida Kahlo “I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior.” It accurately depicts what I’m feeling. Who’s to say that alcohol isn’t the answer to life’s problems? Not saying that I promote alcoholism, but just think of the benefits it brings to a broken heart. Anyways…I will leave you with that weird melancholic thought.

My Moody Ways

Today was fun, I filled my head with useless junk. I woke up rushed like I always do, drove to school then work; horrible work. I drove home, got sentimental about little things from the past. Procrastinated on my essay, didn’t finish it again by the way. I feel overwhelmed at times, I feel lost and without guidance. I need emotional support from someone and I don’t want to drench my friends with this overwhelming feeling of pisces. I turn to small insignificant things like My Space to spend my time, doing absolutely nothing on there, a waste of time. What can I say….I miss him?! I’m depressed all over again. I became the epitome of what Pisces actually stands for. I’m not mad at him for pushing me away, I am a handful.

I am what I am

I don’t have room for misinterpretation of what you  think I should be. I encourage you to speak your mind freely, as long as you respect my ideals. Why do I go through life feeling like a misfit. At this point I don’t care who or what comes in my way. The worst already happened, I was humiliated not once but twice. Thats enough for me, I choose not to do any more dating because it’s all redundant anyways. I am too perfect, too dark, too short, too imperfect, too weird. So be it. I am what I am. I don’t mind living alone, that is what inspires me to craft art the way LIFE should be. Art..why do I call it art if it’s only the way I see things through the lens.

I couldn’t sleep last night

I dunno if it was the coffee I drank or the simple fact that I had taken a nap earlier. I couldn’t fall asleep last night. I had my window open and the wind was blowing in hard, which I didn’t mind since it was hot. Then my door starts rattling from the wind. My clock and speakers made sounds, because apparently the power was flickering. So I close the window and then the thunder begins. Needless to say I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00AM.

Lastima

I’m okay….good luck to you and whatever you decide to do with your life….I won’t be there. EVER.